Since my last post:

• I went on the date with Alex. He is still very much in love with me.
• David broke up with his girlfriend.
• For a short time, everything was beautiful and nothing hurt. I thought David and I would finally be getting our chance to be together again.
• David got back together with his girlfriend.
• Alex has been very attentive and everything I had wanted to be while we were dating.
• I’m still hung up on David, but I’m close to giving up, so I’ve been entertaining the idea of being with Alex, even though my heart wants David.

 

I Never Stopped Loving You

From when I first realized it two years ago until now. I never stopped loving you. It breaks my heart that you’re all I want in my life and you’re 3000 miles away. Give me some glimmer of hope for us and I’ll wait for you. I’ll stay strong and I won’t make the same mistakes as I did. Just let me know.

 

Quite the Predicament

Once upon a time, I dated a Navy Corpsman named David. I had known him since we were in 3rd grade, but when we were juniors in high school, he moved three hours away. Before he moved, we were moving closer and closer to starting a relationship. Both of us were just far too cautious, inexperienced, scared.

Then, in my freshman year of college we started talking again. Really talking. He told me he wasn’t going to college, he was joining the Navy. I looked forward to the messages from him, even though I had a boyfriend at the time. He was what kept me going through classes and my relationship troubles. I thought I was in love with my boyfriend, so I never acted on my feelings for David.

A few months later, while David was in boot camp, I had a dream that he drowned. That scared me, I worried, I knew that I was in a relationship with the wrong person.

Late May of 2009, David and I started dating. It was good at first, but then it slowly got worse. The novelty wore off and the hours he was working and his training meant we never got to talk to each other. We were both dumb about how we acted. August of 2009 is when I met Alex and, at the time, Alex was there and attentive. I ended my relationship with David late August so I could be with Alex.

Things didn’t work out with Alex. Maybe it had something to do with the fact that David and I would still talk off and on. The love we had for each other never left. I truly loved Alex, but I always had a deep longing to be with David. Then he got a girlfriend. I would dismiss my feelings for David as simple friendship.

In the spirit of friendship, I picked him up from the airport when he came home on leave February 19, 2011. We realized there was definitely more than just a friendly feeling. Even though he has a girlfriend, we started kissing and touching and that lead to even more. Then the next morning his parents picked him up to go home. I was in a funk for the rest of the week until the 24th of February, when I drove up to see David where he lives. We went to the movies and to dinner and had a wonderful time. His parents invited me up for the weekend. That night I went back to where I live at school.

Saturday morning I drove back up. We went snowmobiling. Sunday we went sledding and snowboarding. Monday we just chilled at his house. It was a fantastic weekend. Then Tuesday I brought David back to the airport where he would go on a plane to return to where he’s stationed. I started crying ten minutes before we reached the airport. I continued crying the whole time I was at the airport. I lost it when David went up the stairs to go through security, where I couldn’t go and I had to walk away to my car. I kept crying until about ten minutes after I left the airport. I cried yesterday listening to a song.

I realized I still love him. I still want him. I still want to be with him and spend the rest of our lives together. I would sacrifice anything for that.

But he has a girlfriend and I don’t know where I stand with him. We acted like a perfect couple all weekend, but we never talked about what we are now. Am I just the girl he goes to when he’s home? Is there a possible future for us? Is his girlfriend just the girl he’s dating because she’s close to where he’s stationed? Would things be different if we dated a second time? Am I just romanticizing the relationship again?

I just know I want to be with him and he might be the love of my life.

 

Waiting

At the beginning of October, I had every intention of breaking up with Alex when I saw him the first weekend of Fryeburg Fair. My mother dissuaded me. It would only cause drama and she didn’t want to deal with that. I owed it to her. Afterall, me and my father were leaving her there by herself. She was only doing it for me and him. She told me she didn’t have to spend her vacation time that way. “Wait until the fair ends,” she told me.

I thought this was fair. Afterall, after the fair ended it would be my fall break, so I would have a few days at home, in which I assumed Alex would come and see me. Except then, he got the flu. Additionally, he had asthma, which made it all the worse. So I waited.

Then, when I finally decided “today will be the day,” his grandmother died. With all these interventions, one might think I might take them as a sign that I shouldn’t break up with Alex. But I have been unhappy with him for some time. A lot of this unhappiness is derived from issues that Alex is aware of, so my unhappiness isn’t from a lack of communication about wants and expectations.

Now that Gigy is dead, I don’t know how long I should wait to break up with him. It would be cruel to do it now, but I don’t know how long I should wait. It’s been a week since she has passed; is it okay now? The funeral is in another week and a half; do I need to wait until after then?

Or do I take another route and try broaching the subject of my grievances again?

 

An Unsent Letter

Dear Alex —

There was  time when all I did was fight for our relationship to work. From the very moment in which you broke up with me at Fryeburg Fair 2009, I fought until it nearly drove me to the edge. Giving up wasn’t an option for me then. When we got back together in March of this year, I finally felt like I wasn’t the only one fighting.

However, at the end of this summer, that changed. Again, I feel like I’m the only one trying to make this relationship work. This time, it’s just too much for me. The fighting spirit broke. First that was answered with anger. Now, defeat. And I don’t know how long it’s going to take me to heal.

I love you, but it just hurts too much to stay with you. It also hurts to leave.

— Yours, Rachel

 

In Which, Hurt

Pain is…

Knowing of the two guys you love:

One just recently got a girlfriend. And the other just barely gives you the time of day.

 

Gosh, relationships suck.

 

In Which, Thinking

I don’t know if Alex realizes what a punch in the gut it was to me for him to go back to chewing tobacco. I mean, he quit for me during Topsham Fair. At Topsham, I expressed how utterly disgusting I thought it was, so he quit.

Shortly after he dumped me, I mean just mere hours after, he started right back up. He probably didn’t realize it, but it made me feel like crap. He made it seem like we’d get back together at somepoint in a month or so. I don’t know if he just told me that to make me be complacent or if he meant it… The fact that he went back to the dip makes me believe it was just a lie to make me complacent… It makes me feel like he doesn’t care about me any more…

 

In Which, Alone Again

Apparently, I jinxed myself with that last post. I’ve gone from four guys being interested in me, to none. I guess that solved the problem I was having; now I don’t have to choose amongst them. Or maybe I was just being full of myself before… Either way, I’m hurting now.

Taylor still likes me, but I cut all ties with him. I was hurting (I’ll explain why later) and he undermined my feelings, like I was being foolish or something. Not cool. Especially where he was trying to prove to me that he cared about me. Instead, he did the exact opposite. So, I’m done there. I knew I never wanted to be in a relationship with him again, but I’m done with our friendship too. Everytime I thought our friendship was fine, he’d do something and get mad and make me feel like utter crap. That’s not something a friend would do.

Benjamin got back with his girlfriend. I don’t mind that. He was way too young for me anyway and he seems happy with her. As far as Benjamin’s concerned, I say, good for him. He admitted that I was out of his league and, where I’m so much older than him, he was right.

A relationship with David is really just a fantasy of mine. I was hopeful that it would work, but I know it really wouldn’t. Our lifestyles are too different and it just wouldn’t work. He’d be away a lot and I don’t like being alone as much as I would have to be with David.

Now for the reason why I’m hurting so much… I suppose the easy way of saying it is, Alex dumped me. I know, I know. In my last post I was all “I don’t like how he referred to me as his girlfriend even though he never asked me out.” And how I was confused and everything. But it’s like people always say… You don’t know what you have until it’s gone.

 

In Which, An End

Well, my relationship with Taylor is over. We ended it last night. I wouldn’t say it was the cleanest breakup; we were both rather angry about it. And, of course, Taylor is making me out to be the bad guy. When ever we’ve had an agrument, I’ve always been the bad guy.

But I’m going to end that there. I don’t want to analyze this breakup just yet. Maybe tomorrow. Of course, I’m sure by tomorrow, Taylor and I will have made up and be dating again.

 

In Which, I am Not a Navy Girlfriend

So, I was looking around at the Bumper Stickers on Facebook this morning and I kept seeing ones that said things along the lines of “Navy Girlfriend.” They made me sad. I would have liked to put one on my profile to support David (see my post about my Twilight-esque situation), where he is in the Navy. I knew I couldn’t though.

First of all, I’m not actually his girlfriend. We may have each confessed our love for each other, but I still love my boyfriend, even if we are having some problems. I can’t make the decision between the two, right now. If I did, I would probably go insane. For realz. I’m just not in a place where I can make that decision.

Second, where I already have a boyfriend, who is NOT in the Navy, I don’t think Taylor would be too impressed with that.

But it still pains me. I really wish I could see David, but he’s not done with A-school until May. I just have to wait until then.

So, I’m really looking forward to May. I get to see my second love, and I get out of school. I am so looking forward to the summer and what it might bring.