An Unsent Letter (Part III)

Dear Kyle —

I love you. More than words I do. There’s something about the way we talk and interact… I can tell you love me too.

At Union Fair this year, there was just something in they way you responded to a simple question I had asked you. “Do you think Alex is a good boyfriend?” I hadn’t expected a real answer. I had expected waffling. A run-around on the truth that was staring me in the face. I got what I hadn’t expected. “I would take you out to nice places.”

It broke my heart to hear that. Because, in that moment, I realized all this time you’ve cared about me and I had never noticed that. You knew exactly the way I was wishing I could be treated. You watched me slowly fall apart in my relationship with Taylor. You watched me be deceived in my relationship with David. You watched me flirt shamelessly with Benjamin. And then you watched me be disappointed in my relationship with Alex. You had seen all the ways these other guys had gone wrong.

You make me blush. Which is odd considering how much more experienced I am than you. I become bashful and feel the heat rise in my cheeks. It’s like I get a chance to start over. I don’t have to be the girl who feels like she’s been aged due to romantic relationships gone astray. I don’t have to be the girl that brags about her flexibility from when she was in gymnastics ten years ago. I can be the blushing virgin that’s nervous about hand-holding. A girl I haven’t been for three years.

It hurts. It really does. In my mind, I’ve idealized you. I’ve put you on a pedestal and that’s the reason I don’t want to get involved with you. I think that you are too good for me. I don’t think that I deserve it.

I’m afraid.

I’m afraid that you’ll come to resent me. I’m afraid what other people will think of our age difference. I’m afraid of ruining our friendship. That’s all bullshit, though. Those things shouldn’t matter. Really, I’m afraid of getting hurt.

How selfish is that?

— Yours, Rachel

 

In Which, Alone Again

Apparently, I jinxed myself with that last post. I’ve gone from four guys being interested in me, to none. I guess that solved the problem I was having; now I don’t have to choose amongst them. Or maybe I was just being full of myself before… Either way, I’m hurting now.

Taylor still likes me, but I cut all ties with him. I was hurting (I’ll explain why later) and he undermined my feelings, like I was being foolish or something. Not cool. Especially where he was trying to prove to me that he cared about me. Instead, he did the exact opposite. So, I’m done there. I knew I never wanted to be in a relationship with him again, but I’m done with our friendship too. Everytime I thought our friendship was fine, he’d do something and get mad and make me feel like utter crap. That’s not something a friend would do.

Benjamin got back with his girlfriend. I don’t mind that. He was way too young for me anyway and he seems happy with her. As far as Benjamin’s concerned, I say, good for him. He admitted that I was out of his league and, where I’m so much older than him, he was right.

A relationship with David is really just a fantasy of mine. I was hopeful that it would work, but I know it really wouldn’t. Our lifestyles are too different and it just wouldn’t work. He’d be away a lot and I don’t like being alone as much as I would have to be with David.

Now for the reason why I’m hurting so much… I suppose the easy way of saying it is, Alex dumped me. I know, I know. In my last post I was all “I don’t like how he referred to me as his girlfriend even though he never asked me out.” And how I was confused and everything. But it’s like people always say… You don’t know what you have until it’s gone.

 

In Which, Coincidence?

So me and Taylor have been having some relationship problems. These are mostly caused by the distance of me being at college and him still being back home. But, they are also caused by both of our own insecurities and mental incapabilities.

Like I said, we were having relationship problems. I mean, we were really having relationship problems. Like, almost to the extent where it would just be easier to end the relationship. We still really loved each other, we were just having a bunch of problems.

But then last night, I had a dream that Taylor died of a heart attack. And then later Taylor told me that he had a dream that I drowned, last night. We both feel a lot better about our relationship now. Because the dreams made us realize how much we really love each other. And how terrible we would feel were these dreams to come true.

The fact that we both had drems where the other one died, on the same night cannot just be a simple coincidence. It’s like the Cosmos are working together. Or some other strange rubbish like that. Haha

 

In Which, There May Be Some Mature Content

Warning: This post may containt some potentially mature content. Viewer disgression is advised.

Tonight was kind of a rough night with my boyfriend. And rough nights with my boyfriend usually mean that I cried after sex. It’s not that he’s done anything wrong. He’s not the one making me cry.

You see, I went on birth control pills back in November. For the first two, three months, they worked fantastically. After that, things went downhill. I lost all sexual desire and I lost all feeling during sex. For a girl who was one of those girls who were strong, sexually-empowered, but not in a slutty way, it was and still is really depressing.

So, while condoms are kind of a pain, it beats pregnancy. I went of the birth control pills in March. However, now, months later, neither my sex drive nor feeling has returned. It has really taken its toll on me, mentally and emotionally.

Sex used to be so easy for me and my boyfriend. I have never orgasmed from it, but we were each other’s firsts, so we were still learning at the point when I still got pleasure from sex. Even without orgasm, it was still amazing. I went from having it all, basically, to nothing; where sex is concerned.

You can probably see where it would make me cry.

But this is the first time I’ve cried since being put on Celexa. Which is actually fairly good. I mean, it used to be just thinking about my sexual problems made me cry. Today, I didn’t cry about them until after I had sex, re-confirming that the problems are still there. And it was less of a cry than it usually would be.

There’s some progression on the depression front. So, at least that is good.