An Unsent Letter (Part IX)

To Katie —

I can only say I know you by being able to recognize you in a crowd. Other than that, I don’t know you and I’ve never talked to you.

Despite that fact, any time some one mentions you I seeth with anger. I can’t explain all of it. Some of it I understand. You’re Alex’s ex-girlfriend and I’m insecure. I figure that he saw something in you once, what would stop him from suddenly realizing it again? So, yes, I am deathly afraid he is going to leave me for you, or just hook up with you behind my back. This causes me to be extremely defensive and, therefore, dislike you with a great passion.

The rest of it, I’m not as sure about. I just know that the mere mention of your name (or nickname) makes me narrow my eyes and get extremely quiet.

— Rachel

 

An Unsent Letter (Part VIII)

Dear Tessa —

Forgive me if I am wrong in this letter, but your grandson hasn’t really talked to me, so I don’t know if you’re still fighting or if you’ve passed on. If I refer to you as being dead and you are still alive, I am so sorry. I also apologize for my inability to say things politely.

I hope Alex expressed to you how excited I was to learn that you originally came from Poland. All my national backgrounds are the “normal” ones of French, British, and Canadian. I always longed for something more exciting or different. In my mind, this was my chance to learn a new culture. Learn the language, learn to cook the traditional meals. Even if I didn’t learn how to make traditional Polish meals, Alex always spoke so highly of your cooking abilities. So just learning some cooking from you would have been great.

Alex not only spoke highly of your cooking, but of everything about you. While I sometimes questioned whether he truly loved me or not, I know he loved his Gigy.

I feel truly terrible admitting what has occasionally crossed my mind. Half of me hoped that you let your grandson have what’s for and told him he needed to smarten up an marry me already. Not only encouraging him, but also giving him your ring to give to me. I am not at all proud of myself for thinking this way. I’m probably wrong anyway. Afterall, if you told Alex he needed to start treating me better, wouldn’t he be calling me up for comfort?

But I hope you had a good life, though it sounds as though it was hard at times. I wish I could have gotten to know you better and learned some things about Poland.

Rest in peace

— Sincerely, Rachel

 

An Unsent Letter (Part VII)

Taylor —

One would think I have nothing left to say to you. You always seem to find something to say to me, so why would I be done? Seriously, though. When is the next time I’m going to hear from you? Or did you finally get the hint? You have no need to obtrude into my life any more. Though, I must admit it is a bit of a power trip for me to have so much influence over you that just seeing me in a store sends you to shambles. Power at its finest. Not a physical strength, but a mental one. One that can almost bring you to tears.

It has its drawbacks, of course. It’s emotionally painful to relive those moments that shatter you. We were in it together. Neither of us completely wrong. Neither of us completely right. Why else do you think I refuse to reply when you contact me? There is no need to bring up what is painful.

You may have claims of friendship, but it’s futile. We’ve tried that. Multiple times. It’s been almost two years since we parted ways. If a friendship would work, it would have done so already.

For the longest time I was bitter, wishing you all the unhappiness in the world. I’d scoff at your attempts to tell me you’ve changed. I’d hide my pleasure in hearing that something had gone wrong in your life. I’d make casual, rude comments to myself about your new girlfriend. Knowing all the while that you were most likely being unfaithful to her, just like you were to me. I reveled in the moments when your mom put her down. Calling her a “tramp” or saying “That’s a nice hooker outfit you have on.”

I know, I know. That makes me a bitch.

Lately, I realized your girlfriend isn’t as much as a tramp or a hooker as I had thought. She’s actually quite pretty. She’s just young and needs time to grow into herself. I’m also acutely aware she’s not all that different from me. Low self-esteem is the key factor in all of this.

While we were dating, I felt that I was so undesirable to any other man I would never find another boyfriend if you were to leave me. Therefore, I threw all my efforts into pleasing you so I wouldn’t be alone for the rest of my life.

I see this same characteristic in your new girlfriend. It sounds like she has had worse boyfriends in the past. You’re the best she’s had so far. You were the best I had at that point, but I’ve since learned that better are out there. I wish I could go to your girlfriend and let her know all of the pain you put me through and all of the rumors I’ve heard about you. Most of them on you continuing to act as though you are pursuing a relationship with other girls. A terrible thing to do to your girlfriend and the other girls, who you really have no intention of dating.

Who knows? Maybe they are only rumors and maybe you have changed. I’ll never know because I’m going to stay out of your life, just like I want you out of mine.

— Adieu, Rachel

 

An Unsent Letter (Part VI)

Manny —

Honestly, what the hell? I don’t understand you and I’m not going to pretend I do. However, I do believe taking pictures of a woman without her knowing is borderline stalking. Even if it’s not, it is frowned upon.

That doesn’t stop me from having a “little girl crush” on you. It’s nothing sexual, so don’t get any ideas. It’s like when a little girl is just so enamoured and charmed by an older man, she develops a crush on him. That she would never act on.

Really, you were a jerk at Fryeburg this year. It’s obvious that I have some instability when it comes to confidence. We’ve spent enough time together for you to know that. But for you to repeatedly ask me “So, have you talked to Alex?” was an asshole thing to do. Maybe you’re completely oblivious to the possibility of the paranoia that might create. Afterall, Alex does like to speak of you as though you’re a giant teenager. Not that he is much better.

I would greatly appreciate it if you would tone it down a bit. Around me, at least. It’s your own business what you do with your time, otherwise. I don’t quite have the constitution as everyone else.

— Regards, Rachel

 

An Unsent Letter (Part V)

Shane —

I don’t think I ever expressed just how appreciative I was for you sitting down with me at Litchfield Fair. And, you know, trying to get Alex to improve.

Despite your tendencies toward alcoholism, you seem like an alright guy. But something I don’t understand… When you ask Alex about a threesome, are you asking to get a rise out of him? Or are you serious? If the latter, I’m not sure if I should be flattered or creeped out. What’s the protocol in this situation? When your boyfriend’s best friend asks about a threesome, what do you do?

Not that I want to have a threesome. I don’t even think in theory a threesome is a good idea, so definitely not in practice. To me, it seems like someone would feel left out. What does it mean if I’m the one getting left out in a two-guy/one-girl threesome?

I am intrigued though. It’s curiosity getting the better of me. Be warned. If you ask again, and I’m still with Alex, I’ll probably say yes.

—Rachel

 

An Unsent Letter (Part III)

Dear Kyle —

I love you. More than words I do. There’s something about the way we talk and interact… I can tell you love me too.

At Union Fair this year, there was just something in they way you responded to a simple question I had asked you. “Do you think Alex is a good boyfriend?” I hadn’t expected a real answer. I had expected waffling. A run-around on the truth that was staring me in the face. I got what I hadn’t expected. “I would take you out to nice places.”

It broke my heart to hear that. Because, in that moment, I realized all this time you’ve cared about me and I had never noticed that. You knew exactly the way I was wishing I could be treated. You watched me slowly fall apart in my relationship with Taylor. You watched me be deceived in my relationship with David. You watched me flirt shamelessly with Benjamin. And then you watched me be disappointed in my relationship with Alex. You had seen all the ways these other guys had gone wrong.

You make me blush. Which is odd considering how much more experienced I am than you. I become bashful and feel the heat rise in my cheeks. It’s like I get a chance to start over. I don’t have to be the girl who feels like she’s been aged due to romantic relationships gone astray. I don’t have to be the girl that brags about her flexibility from when she was in gymnastics ten years ago. I can be the blushing virgin that’s nervous about hand-holding. A girl I haven’t been for three years.

It hurts. It really does. In my mind, I’ve idealized you. I’ve put you on a pedestal and that’s the reason I don’t want to get involved with you. I think that you are too good for me. I don’t think that I deserve it.

I’m afraid.

I’m afraid that you’ll come to resent me. I’m afraid what other people will think of our age difference. I’m afraid of ruining our friendship. That’s all bullshit, though. Those things shouldn’t matter. Really, I’m afraid of getting hurt.

How selfish is that?

— Yours, Rachel

 

An Unsent Letter

Dear Alex —

There was  time when all I did was fight for our relationship to work. From the very moment in which you broke up with me at Fryeburg Fair 2009, I fought until it nearly drove me to the edge. Giving up wasn’t an option for me then. When we got back together in March of this year, I finally felt like I wasn’t the only one fighting.

However, at the end of this summer, that changed. Again, I feel like I’m the only one trying to make this relationship work. This time, it’s just too much for me. The fighting spirit broke. First that was answered with anger. Now, defeat. And I don’t know how long it’s going to take me to heal.

I love you, but it just hurts too much to stay with you. It also hurts to leave.

— Yours, Rachel