Finally

After a month and a half of wanting to break up with Alex, I finally did it over my Thanksgiving break. I’m such a girl though because I started crying. Even though I was the one doing the breaking up.

As much as I might get passive-aggressive about Alex’s behavior toward me, unlike past boyfriends, there wasn’t a huge fault about him. Obviously, all the little things built up, but he didn’t do any of the major, universal relationship deal-breakers. He didn’t cheat on me, have an entire other relationship, or play mind games. He was just immature.

So, yeah, it’s going to hurt and take time to get over. For the longest time, I thought I had finally found the guy I would settle down with. It’s jarring to have to go from that mindset to a new one. In the first, you have your whole life planned ahead of you and now that road is blank.

 

 

Waiting

At the beginning of October, I had every intention of breaking up with Alex when I saw him the first weekend of Fryeburg Fair. My mother dissuaded me. It would only cause drama and she didn’t want to deal with that. I owed it to her. Afterall, me and my father were leaving her there by herself. She was only doing it for me and him. She told me she didn’t have to spend her vacation time that way. “Wait until the fair ends,” she told me.

I thought this was fair. Afterall, after the fair ended it would be my fall break, so I would have a few days at home, in which I assumed Alex would come and see me. Except then, he got the flu. Additionally, he had asthma, which made it all the worse. So I waited.

Then, when I finally decided “today will be the day,” his grandmother died. With all these interventions, one might think I might take them as a sign that I shouldn’t break up with Alex. But I have been unhappy with him for some time. A lot of this unhappiness is derived from issues that Alex is aware of, so my unhappiness isn’t from a lack of communication about wants and expectations.

Now that Gigy is dead, I don’t know how long I should wait to break up with him. It would be cruel to do it now, but I don’t know how long I should wait. It’s been a week since she has passed; is it okay now? The funeral is in another week and a half; do I need to wait until after then?

Or do I take another route and try broaching the subject of my grievances again?

 

In Which, A Realization

Today, being the 29th day of October in the year 2009, I realized that I love Alex. I was just thinking about all of these happy moments we had, while I was supposed to be paying attention in class, and then it hit me… I love him.

I’m not going to tell him. Not now anyway. We’re talking again, but it’s a bit of a jump to having broken up, then almost three weeks later telling him I love him.

Here’s so hoping I don’t let it slip! That could be awkward.

 

In Which, Questions

I am so confused about this situation with Alex. There are so many questions I’d like to ask him, but I know I can’t. He told me he needed time apart in order to figure some things out. I need to respect his wishes. I feel as though I’m being crazy and obsessive over him, but I don’t need that to be realized by him too. Also, I may not be acting crazy and obsessive and it may just be in my head. Either way, there are a few things I wish I knew.

• What is it that he’s figuring out? I wish he would open up to me about it on the off chance that I’d be able to help.
• Is he honest when he says that he wants me back once he has these things figured out?
• Or is he just stringing me along?
• Why did he have to break up with me through a text?
• Is he going to stop chewing again if we get back together?
• Will this happen again?
• How long is this figuring out going to take?
• When should I expect to hear from him again?
• Do I make the first contact for reconnection?
• Or do I wait for him?

I’m know I have other questions and thoughts other than these listed, but I have to much going on in my mind, they’ve probably been shuffled to the back.

 

In Which, An End

Well, my relationship with Taylor is over. We ended it last night. I wouldn’t say it was the cleanest breakup; we were both rather angry about it. And, of course, Taylor is making me out to be the bad guy. When ever we’ve had an agrument, I’ve always been the bad guy.

But I’m going to end that there. I don’t want to analyze this breakup just yet. Maybe tomorrow. Of course, I’m sure by tomorrow, Taylor and I will have made up and be dating again.