A long time ago, I decide that I was going to knit my boyfriend a hat for his birthday, which is coming up at the beginning of November. I decided this before a particular revelation came to mind. I plan on breaking up with my boyfriend soon.

In the past few weeks, I’ve realized all these quirks and personality traits and actions that Alex has, well, I’m not that fond of them. In a regular relationship, they are bearable, but there’s been talk of marriage. I don’t want a husband with a perchance of being two hours late, driving dangerously fast, or any of the other number of complaints. Alex has also mentioned having children, briefly. While I’m not so sure about child rearing, I know those same qualities will no make for an outstanding father. And I do not want a husband that forces himself into the role of father one the child has arrived in the world. I want him to be ready for the responsibility before conception.

So, now I have these plans for a knitted hat and no one to give it to once it’s complete. But you know what? I’m going to make it. For me.

 

Three People

Outside of my family, there are people that rank in my top three people. Here they are, in no particular order.

1. Alex: This would be my boyfriend. We’ve been having some problems lately, mostly concerning my less than stable mental state, but he’s been very good about it. With my ex, Taylor, I always felt guilty (often because of him) about my anxieties, so I bottled them up and never mentioned them to him. With Alex, he encourages me to talk about it. This happened after I had held in months worth of worries and then released them all in one night. Alex is fun and he makes me laugh. Also, it doesn’t hurt that I’ve orgasmed during sex with him.

2. Anita: She’s my best friend. It’s odd because when we met in second grade, we couldn’t stand each other. This lasted until seventh grade, when we finally became friends. She’s in the Air Force now, which kind of sucks because I don’t get to see her very often. I can talk to her about anything and everything.

3. Kyle: Oh my God, he is my most favorite person in the world. He’s like my younger brother. At Union Fair this year, a group of us farm kids played a card game called “Drug Dealer,” which involved winking and “deal making” and a “cop” that busted you. This, of course, gave you the huge urge to wink at everyone. Even once the game ended. So Kyle and I were winking at each other for the rest of the week. He’s just so much fun to hang out with and so easy to be around. I don’t feel like I have to be a certain way around him.

 

Why I Love My Job

• I have social anxieties and poor social skills. Working on a dairy farm means, I don’t have to interact with people all that much. I have known my boss since I was a little girl and my co-workers are all easy to get along with.
• I get to work with animals. I may not get along with people, but I love working with animals. They don’t judge.
• It doesn’t matter if I’m having a bad day. If I’m sad, a lot of the cows are calm and friendly enough that I can grab a hold of their necks or heads and just hug them. In particular, one red and white Holstein, Little Red (#1008), lets me do this at any time. On the other hand, if I’m in an irritated mood, the physical labor helps me work out my aggression.
• I get to be a sassy, little smartass any time I want to.
• Milking cows is a valuable skill. There will always be jobs in farming. People need to eat. No farms = no food. So, you better damn well appreciate the farmer.
• If I had never started milking cows, I probably never would have gotten together with my boyfriend.

 

In Which, 50 Questions Part Two

6. If happiness was the national currency, what kind of work would make you rich?

Milking cows. Really. I am my most content in the milk parlor. I loved my job over the summer, which was milking cows. I love it even more when I milk my boyfriend’s cows with him. Few things are better than those moments.

7. Are you doing what you believe in, or are you settling for what you are doing?

Probably settling for what I am doing. I’m an English major, what is what I believe in doing. However, there are a lot of classes with that major that I’m just settling for what I am doing. Like Reading Poetry. I hate that class, but I have to take it.

8. If the average human life span was 40 years, how would you live your life differently?

Wow. My life would already be half over… If I was going to die when I was around forty, I would have already told Alex that I love him. Right now, I have the time to wait to tell him until I’m absolutely sure he’s ready to hear it. If I knew my life would definitely be a lot short, I would take more risks, be more forward, live for the moment.

9. To what degree have you actually controlled the course your life has taken?

Until recently, like the past year, I haven’t been in control of my own life. I was always aiming to please someone else. Whether it was my parents, or relatives, or teachers, or my ex-boyfriend, Taylor. I put my own needs and wants on hold to make others happy. But lately, I’ve been doing what makes me happy. That has been working out very well for me.

10. Are you more worried about doing things right, or doing the right things?

Both. I worry a lot. I want to do the right things right. In other words, I want to do the right thing and do it correctly. In my mind, the two aren’t a separate question.

 

In Which, A Writing

Sometimes, good things come from the bad. Such is the case of a daily writing done in my Act of Interpretation class. We were asked to describe how we came to write our papers that were due after Fall Break. I found mine quite humorous and clever, despite the wretchedness of my Fall Break. The following is what I wrote in response.

True Story: My paper was the easiest part of my Fall Break. Even after procrastinating on it and writing the entirety of it the day before it was due.

I knew even before break started I wasn’t going to write my paper until Wednesday, October 14, 2009.

I assumed I would be too busy over break to devote time to the paper. Friday, Saturday, and Sunday would be spent at Fryeburg Fair with my six head of Hampshire sheep, who had KICKED ASS during the show. I would also be spending time with my dairy farmer boyfriend at the fair and the remaining days of break (Monday and Tuesday).

Or so I assumed.

Oh! How wrong I was!

On Saturday, my boyfriend dumped me like last week’s milk. Through a text message, even!

I spent the remained of break in the depths of misery. I was blind-sided; I hadn’t seen it coming. Now evem I plague my mind with questions of Why? And What happened? Amongst others.

Not only was I struck dumb, without my boyfriend, Alas! we had no ice cream in my house with which I could attempt to comfort myself. Nor did we have any heat, as out thermostat had broken.

So, I came to write my paper yesterday as a miserable artist type.

 

In Which, A Trip is Planned

I’m going to San Diego!! W00t! I leave on the third of July and return on the 6th. I get to go see my boyfriend. ^.^ This is going to be the best trip ever.

Not only do I get to see David, my favorite sailor, I get to go to the San Diego Zoo! Other than the zoo, I have no idea what else we’re doing. I don’t care though. I’ll be doing it with David. And that makes me happy.

 

In Which, She Returns to College From Fall Break

I told all of you from the start that I wouldn’t be any good at keeping up with semi-regular posts. I’ll just apologize for that now. I’m also sorry for the fact that I won’t have regular posts in the future.

Anyway, I just finished Fall Break. Like the title suggests. It was a pretty tame weekend. I spent time with Taylor and helped out around the house.

Yesterday, Taylor and I went to see the movie Nick and Norah’s Infinite Playlist. I loved that movie. I thought it was really good. I was skeptical about seeing it at first because, from the previews, I really had no idea what it was about. But Taylor wanted to see it, and I love him, so I went and saw it.

The sex scene (is that even considered a sex scene? nothing was actually shown) made me sad, though. Because, earlier in the movie, Tris mentions to Norah the “word on the street.” Which turns out is that there’s a rumor that Norah has never had an orgasm.  Then in the “sex scene” she actually has one.

I know, I know. How is that sad? Yadda, yadda, etc… etc…

It’s not sad, per se. It just got me thinking about my sex problems. And how I haven’t had that moment yet where all of a sudden, everything just clicks and is better. It’s been nearly a year, and I’m still waiting for that moment.

It’s discouraging. Yes, I’ll admit to being happy that a fictional character was able to enjoy sex. But you know, a fictional character can? But I can’t?

As you can tell, my sex problems are a huge deal to me. They hurt me; not on a physical level, though. They make me feel empty and sub-human. And I know they’re straining mine and Taylor’s relationship.

Blarg. I wish there was an easy way to fix all this.

 

In Which, There Is Mental Conflict

Bugger. As the title says, I’m having some mental conflict. And it’s causing quite a problem.

As you may know (by reading previous posts), I have a boyfriend. He’s a really amazing guy and I love him very much. However, I am also at college, two hours away from him. I miss him “So much it hurts sometimes.” (to quote Scrubs)

Now, that is a problem, but not the mental conflict.

While at college, I’ve spent some time with my brother, his girlfriend, and his roommate. Me and his girlfriend joke around a lot. You know, like girls of this era do. As in, fondling eachother and acting as though we’re into each other.

I’m not concerned with that at all. And I know my boyfriend wouldn’t be either. When I’ve brought it up before, he’s just like “Take pictures.” Like a typical guy.

My mental anguish is because I feel like I might be developing some feelings for my brother’s roommate. But it’s not feelings of love or a crush or anything like that. It’s because I’m lonely. I miss the physical contact that I have with my boyfriend. The kissing and cuddling. But that’s as far as it goes. No love and no sexual activities. Mostly just the cuddling and maybe a little kissing.

 

Wow. I actually feel better about he whole situation now.