What my mother doesn’t need to know

My mother and I have a fairly open relationship. We talk about mostly everything. Not gory details, but general ideas. Because there are somethings a mother just doesn’t need to know about her daughter.

And there are somethings my mother just doesn’t need to know, as a whole. Things that aren’t directly related to me. Only in the fact that it was my sheep.

In other words: Lambing problems this morning.

It was my ewe, Hannelore. She’s a first-timer this year and after her ordeal this morning, I doubt she’ll be too eager for it to happen again.

She had just about every strike against her. First-time lambing. Not dilated. No natural lubrication. Two lambs, the first to come out a big one. And the first one had been dead inside her for a short time, and thus had begun to decompose.

What my mother doesn’t need to know is how the lamb came out. I’m sure many of us have experience with corpses. No? I’m the only one? Well, decomposed flesh is very weak. The cross-links in the keratin have broken down. There isn’t much left holding it together.

What my mother doesn’t need to know is the lamb came out in pieces. In the process of pulling out the lamb, it tore in half. And the vet had to fish around inside the uterus to find and remove the second half. And it was quite easy to see and identify the viscera.

That was a new sight to see.

One I’m not telling my mother about.

 

You were born in battle, full of blood and anger and revenge

Last night was the first time I’ve ever cried in front of Lance. Sure, before I’ve gotten teary eyed, but I actually cried for the first time last night. No, no, no. He didn’t make me cry! Gosh, no. I was watching Doctor Who when he got back from feeding cows. And Doctor Who gives me all kinds of feelings and the only way these feelings can be expressed and escape my body is through tears.

That I cried in front of Lance is something. Hey, I do have have a larger range of emotions and behaviors aside from sarcasm, wit, and snide remarks. I knew I do, but not everyone is aware. Rarely do I show the many facets of my personality. Some are better kept hidden, but the softer, gentler side is alright. It has it’s weaknesses though. It’s exposed. It’s hurt more easily.

For the past couple months, I’ve kept those parts repressed. At least so much that I didn’t let other people see them. Not again.

This post doesn’t have a big revelation at the end. It’s not like I cried and suddenly everything in life changed. Jeesh. What were you expecting?

 

P.S. The title is a quote from “Journey’s End” (Doctor Who 4.13).

 

I’ll take mine with a bit of perspective

I spent the late morning to mid-afternoon at Motherland helping out with sheep work. When I got back to Base Camp, Lance was on the couch watching X-Men Origins: Wolverine (fantastic movie, by the way). A couple of minutes after I got in, he says “I think I’m going to be getting a beer with an ex-girlfriend.”

Obviously that didn’t sound right to me. I mumbled a soft, “I see.” I wasn’t overly impressed, but I didn’t know what the whole situation was. Jumping to conclusions wouldn’t serve any purpose. He told me I was more than welcome to come along, but it might be kind of awkward. I got quiet.

Then he paused the movie. He explained she realized she was a lesbian and is now married to her partner.

Oh. Okay. That changes things.

 

Tomorrow is Lance’s birthday. He’s turning 29. And I am slightly concerned because I’m up at school and it’s supposed to storm badly tomorrow. Which may impede my trip to Base Camp for Lance’s birthday, and for spring break. Even though Lance said I need to “go with the flow” for his birthday, not getting to be there due to weather conditions was not apart of that. I don’t “go with the flow.” I go with plans. And I planned to leave immediately after Ecology tomorrow with plans to be at Base Camp around 2pm. And look cute in my grey sweater dress, which is very difficult to do in a snow storm.

I’m not usually this much of a snot, but I just want to make sure he has a good birthday. I want to be there because he was there for me on my birthday. And he’s done a lot for me, so I want to reciprocate.

I baked him two cheesecakes. Yes. Two. He doesn’t like regular cake, but he’s very fond of cheesecake. Before last Saturday, I had never made a cheesecake before. Last Saturday was the trial-run cheesecake. Which my roommates and I test-tried a small portion of it. Then, I cut it into individual slices, wrapped each slice, and froze them. That way, when I’m not around, he can just pull a slice out of the freezer and eat it whenever he wants.The cheesecake I made today is the Official Birthday Cheesecake.

He also has an unusual tractor brand. Not the typical John Deere or even International. It’s an Agripower, made by Zetor in the Czech Republic. Although sold in the United States, there is no merchandise in the U.S. Lance adores that tractor (I think mostly for contrary reasons, but still). John  Deere has all kinds of hats and clothes, but Agripower/Zetor doesn’t. Not in the United States, anyway. So I ordered him a hat from England.

Although he doesn’t have any draft horses at the moment, he once did. I also got him an illustrated history of the draft horse.

All in all, I think it’s a good collection of gifts.

I have a concern that we’ll go out to dinner at Texas Roadhouse and it will be a repeat of two years ago while I was dating Sparky. It was Lance’s birthday and five of us went out to Texas Roadhouse. His cousin is one of the managers there and she came to sit with us. When they came around with the birthday saddle, he claimed he only rode double. Obviously the waitress couldn’t jump on there with him, that would be unprofessional. So his cousin turned, looked at me, and said, “Well, what about her?” I think not. Even though I’m dating Lance now (unlike two years ago), No. Just no. I don’t think so. Not my thing.

Jeesh. For his birthday, I’ll make sure he gets his 29 birthday spankings, like how he wanted to give me my 22 last October.

 

Left field, somewhere

The feelings contained in my dream from yesterday  reminded me of a Word file I once wrote in response to an email I received from Reese’s Puffs. I was seriously hurt and upset by the email. My emotional state was making progress. Then I received the email and it was like in Parcheesi when someone bumps you back to start.

And so I wrote this Word file. It was all over the board. I said things that were sad, hurt, angry, passive-aggressive. And then I said:

Don’t listen to me. I’m ill and I’m sitting on a couch with a dog. I have on two sweatshirts, covered in a blanket, the room is at 75, and I have on a hat. 

As if that was supposed to explain everything. When I re-read the Word file that line made me laugh and the subsequent sentences were no better. Mostly because I started to quote Tombstone.

The above is what I looked like when I was writing the file. I was not feeling well at all. And the following days I wasn’t feeling 100% either. It really may explain what a wrote and a few of my actions. I was at Base Camp, all alone, save the dog because Lance was doing chores. Internally I felt terribly cold. Externally I was burning up. And my head was splitting. Then there was this email, which made me cry. Even though I had repeatedly told myself I was done crying over Reese’s Puffs.

Side-story: The hat I’m wearing is one I knit myself. My first self-knit hat, in fact. It’s a little too big, but I’m proud of the work I did.

For the first time, when I was speaking with Sam the other day, I admitted out loud that I do truly miss Reese’s Puffs. As a friend. If nothing else, I was hoping to gain a life-long friendship out of it. And clearly that didn’t happen. I’m not pointing fingers for who’s at fault. Sometimes these things just happen.

But the whole religion/church thing is really hard for me. Difficult in a way that I’ve never had to deal with before. Sure there are plenty of people in my life that I could go to, in theory, with questions and everything, but he’s the only one I felt comfortable with talking to about it. I’m just so completely inept at religion. That’s a new experience for me. I couldn’t just go to anyone. I needed someone I trusted and supported me fully.

And it freaking hurts driving home from church and feeling like crying every time. And I don’t even know why. Which is part of the reason my attendance has been spotty. I’m religiously confused.

I don’t want to be a bitter ol’ hag about it. I want to stop being angry about what went wrong and focus on what good came of whatever one want to call the friendship RP and I had.  And it would have to be in the past-tense. I’m almost certain, even if I were able to get over my pride, there would never be a present-tense friendship. Not again. I feel as though if I contacted RP with a white flag and an olive branch, it wouldn’t make a difference. The damage has already been done.

 

Dream

I woke up this morning. Sat in bed for a second. Had the passing thought, “I had a dream last night, didn’t I?” as I climbed out of bed. Upon realizing that I did and thinking about the subject, I stopped and went, “Huh.”

There was a sport/game of some sort where people threw an object in attempt to get it in a circle painted on the floor of the gym. I guess it was like Boccie Ball, but it was different. Somehow, it was a team sport/game. Of the two teams, there was only one person I consciously recognized aside from myself; Reese’s Puffs.

My dream-self was no better at sports than my waking-self. When it was my turn to throw, I did some frisbee-like action and missed terribly. Reese’s Puffs rattled off a couple demeaning comments said so that every one could hear what he was saying. It hurt and I knew the cause of it was rooted in something else. So I shouted out: “Fuck you, Reese’s Puffs! FUCK YOU!I” [it sounds much more effective with the person's real name. Now it just sounds silly.]

And I stormed out of the gym angry and pained, tears stinging my eyes. Shortly after, Reese’s Puffs and someone else came out into the hallway. RP was pushing everything off to me as if I was completely deranged.

I kind of rue the day I read Freud’s Dreamwork. I wish I could look at a dream and just think “Well, that was something strange.”

 

Shifty

Up until yesterday, I was applying to jobs in a 30 minute driving distance of Base Camp. I spent all of winter break there, so it implies the invitation is open for me to stay there when I graduate. I hesitate to say “move in” because I am unsure I am ready to say such words.

But yesterday, yesterday something snapped a little. Do I really want to settle down in the Kennebec Valley before I see the world?

I started searching a filing out applications to other places of employment. I began with a job still in Maine, but three hours from Motherland and Base Camp. Then today I searched out Federal Government jobs with the National Park Service. These are located all across the country and provide various options to travel.

I figure, if Whiskey Kid was able to be employed by the National Park Service, I stand a very good chance of my applications being accepted. Not to take anything away from Whiskey Kid. Last summer, he was out fighting forest fires and saving lives. Pretty cool stuff right there. Do you remember hearing about those huge forest fires in Georgia? Yeah, he was there.

It’s just that dang ol’ wanderlust kicking back in again.

Plus, a lot of the Federal Government jobs sound pretty awesome. One of them is a biological technician at a battlefield. History AND science? Count me in!

Right now, I’m waiting to hear back from a couple of people. They’ve all said in the past it was fine to use them as a reference, but I did the polite thing and checked back with them now that I’m actually applying to jobs.

This is exciting!

 

Surfacing

The first novel of Margaret Atwood’s I’ve read. I am thoroughly impressed with Atwood’s writing. Holy crap. Fantastic. Mentally stimulating. Emotionally overflowing. Surfacing has got everything I’d like to have in my own writing.

There were many quotes that made an impact on me, but the following four are the most memorable:

• “I’m trying to decide whether or not I love him. It shouldn’t matter, but there’s always a moment when curiosity becomes more important to them than peace and they need to ask; though he hasn’t yet. It’s best to have the answer worked out in advance: whether you evade it or do it the hard way and tell the truth, at least you aren’t caught of guard . . . . I’m fond of him, I’d rather have him around than not; though it would be nice if he meant something more to me. The fact that he doesn’t makes me sad: no one has since my husband. A divorce is like an amputation, you survive, but there’s less of you 39).”
• “I tried for all those years to be civilized but I’m not and I’m through pretending (173)”
• “From any rational point of view I am absurd; but there are no longer any rational points of view (173).”
• “His voice is annoyed: he won’t wait much longer. But right now he waits (199).”

The story is of a woman who travels to her childhood home in the wilderness of Canada. She is with her significant other and another couple. They believe it is just a fun trip, but the narrator is searching for news of her missing father. The relationships of the characters splinter and fragment. When the narrator finally learns her father is dead, her mind does the same. She retreats to the wilderness and abandons society and her friends.

When I read the first of my four above quotes, it really struck me. In fact, I have a personal connection with each of my above quotes. To the fourth,  must amend “How much longer until he’s done waiting?”

Excuse me as this turns into a personal rant.

Lance has been extremely patient with me. He’s pushed just enough without taking it too far. I think he knows all is not well in Rachel-world. There’s a couple cracks. I’ve always been more in touch with my animal nature. Humans are animals, after all. For the longest time, I would search his face with my eyes trying to figure him out. And he knew it. He knows the milk cows. You can work with them every day, but they never quite trust you. In the barn, in their stalls waiting to be milked, they stand steady. But in the pasture, their cautious natures come out.

So he’s waited and built and earned my trust, mostly. But how much longer can he wait? When will be too long? Everyone gives up some time. Even those who tell you otherwise. Even they’ll leave. No. Not all is well in Rachel-world at the moment. Just a temporary glitch. I was, and have been doing great as a whole. Maybe I’ll be better in the morning.

 

Dream

Last night, in my dream, I was in the Doctor Who universe. This was strange because I have not watched an episode for quite some time. The details of the dream are pretty hazy.

There were two small, bobsled shaped spaceships set to be launched. Nefarious acts led to the ships being tampered with. The Doctor was no where to be found. However, I was there and apparently very clever.

The launch deck was enclosed and quickly filling with noxious fumes. Red lights flashed. Everything was tainted an orange color. A devil-looking man was standing at the bay doors, preventing anyone from being saved. This is where the dream gets hazy. Somehow, with my directions, he was overcome and everyone got out of the launch bay alive.

However, the people who attempted to kill all those supposed to have gone off on the bobsled spaceships were very angry. Then the Tenth Doctor shows up and puts an end to the whole thing and everyone goes home happy.

 

By the by

I updated my “Who’s who” page because it was many moons ago since I last changed anything there. I added people, changed a few names to nicknames instead. Not for any real purpose other than nicknames are fun. I will continue to add people as they become regularly mentioned.

In lieu, I will also be updating my “About me” page because that one hasn’t been changed since I first started this blog nearly four years ago.

Times, they are a’changin’.

Before too long I’m going to have to change a few details about being in college. What do you know? I’m going to graduate in May.

I’ve been applying for jobs. There’s a museum job I really want, so I need to get that application in the mail shortly. Then I’m waiting for a local watershed to post their openings. I have an in at the watershed, so that is hopeful. And sounds like a fun place to work. And I get to work outside and do lots of hiking. And nearby Lance’s mother’s house. All positives.

There’s also several basic jobs I’ve applied for. Not what I want to do with my life, but can see myself doing temporarily until I get where I want to be. Jobs that will give me good workplace experience and act as stepping stones to something larger.

I’m also considering, once I get closer to graduation, approaching several local newspapers about doing a column of sorts. I need to do more research and work out all the details. I’m certain my past newspaper-writing experience will come in handy for this. Even though freelance journalism isn’t my thing, I could do quite well with a themed column.

My thesis… Ah, that needs a post all of it’s own. A lot to discuss about my thesis. But that is for another time, another day.

 

Why today is a good day:

• Nine hours of sleep last night for the first time since I can remember.
• I look awesome today. Particularly great.
• I show up to Soil Science 15 minutes early, as per usual. Of course, I have a book with me. I pull out Margaret Atwood’s Surfacing. I’m sitting there, minding my own business, thoroughly enjoying my book when some random guy addresses me. It turns out he’s going to be missing class next week and wanted someone who regularly went to class to photocopy their notes for him. Obviously, who better to ask than the girl who shows up way too early. After discerning he wasn’t someone just trying to get out of going to class and taking their own notes, I was totally fine with agreeing to photocopy my own notes. Then he offered to pay me for taking the extra time.
• In Soil Science, we got our exams back. I got the second highest grade in the class.
• During Canadian Literature, there was a lull in discussion where I let my mind wander. In this time, I ended up thinking of a line for a new villanelle.
• Had a great conversation with Sam. We always have great talks, but it’s infrequent that we get to have them.
• Sam confirmed my two-cheesecake plan is genius. I’ve never baked a cheesecake before, so I’m doing a trial run this weekend, which I’ll cut up individually and freeze. I’m making a second cheesecake next Thursday. Both of these cheesecakes are for Lance’s birthday because he doesn’t like real cake.
• I was reading more of Surfacing this afternoon and reached a paragraph that I identified with completely. “That’s totally what I’m feeling right now! Thank you, Peggy!” (Okay, no. I can’t call Margaret Atwood “Peggy”)
• I had a text message conversation with Babe, my brother’s ex-girlfriend (no, her name isn’t actually “Babe”). Since her and my brother breaking up, we haven’t spoken much, but last Friday she called me, asking if I could pick up a few things of Colt’s. It makes me really happy to have her back in my life.
• For lunch I had a grilled peanut butter and banana sandwich. On wheat bread. Which I made myself. Bread-making is a hobby of mine. It’s something that makes me extremely happy.
• You know how I said I looked good? Apparently my confidence about that was too much. I got asked out this evening as I was leaving History of Jazz. I said “No,” obviously because I have a boyfriend, but it’s still good to know random people find me attractive (VAIN)
• I was able to say “No.” I’m proud of this. It’s good to say “No” every once in a while. I felt bad rejecting the guy, but morally it didn’t sit right with me to say “Yes.”

 

Today in my personal history

One year ago: In the evening, I was attending one of the New Writing Series events on campus. About halfway through the event, I felt my phone buzz several times, alerting me I was missing a call. I wasn’t too concerned, so I waiting until the event was over to check my phone. It was my mother, so I called her back. What a deluge of bad news that call was.

It was lambing season, just as it is now. Things weren’t going well. It turns out there was a mineral imbalance that was causing a lot of issues. Weak lambs, prolapses. Thankfully were were able to salvage the second half of the season, but the first was nearly a lost cause.

In 2007, my father saved the life of a ewe lamb. She had been laid on and had died. He gave her mouth to mouth and brought her back. On Valentine’s Day 2011, this ewe, Peyton, prolapsed and despite all my father’s best efforts to save her, he couldn’t do it again. He placed her expelled uterus back inside of her and stitched her vulva closed. She pushed through the stitches and she wouldn’t stop straining. My dad had to make the call to have her put down. My mother told me of this on February 15, 2011.

Two years ago: Unexpected, TJB showed up outside of my dorm on campus. It had been almost a year since we had broken up and there he was, out of nowhere. I don’t know what he was thinking. He said he didn’t come up with any expectations. Clearly, from his reaction, he was waiting for some great revelation. He didn’t understand why I wasn’t happy to see him, why I was defensive and angry. Too many times in my life people reappear after not speaking for some time. Like “Oh, hey, let me remind you of all the damage I did. You were healing? Too bad, I’m not going to think of the consequences of my actions.”

TJB was upset with me for forgetting that day would  have been our three year anniversary, had we still been dating. I was barely conscious of what day it was. Let alone any special events that occurred that day.

 

Obviously more things have happened in my life on February 15th. But those are the major ones that I can remember.